As you lay to die beside me
by shalalatambourine
Summary: The day Blaine takes Kurt to the forest, everything changes.


The smell of earth and leaves and trees and Blaine surrounded Kurt in a lovely haze that he never wanted to leave. The swaying of the trees above him made him a little dizzy, but it was a good kind of dizzy, as long as he could keep staring up there.

He was not convinced everything would be okay. But at least he was here now.

01.

Whenever Kurt remembers that time he and Blaine met, he thinks he could've known that even back then, it was something different. Something special.

It seems like a very long time ago. The first time he met Blaine. Maybe it is a very long time ago. But to him, it feels like it was yesterday, the images so bright and clear it's almost like he's still there.

It had been a particular sunny day in Autumn and Kurt had been staring out of his window, watching the school grounds in front of him. It was a Sunday and Sundays were always pretty boring. Especially because he was one of the few who didn't go home in the weekends and the boys who did stay weren't exactly Kurt's favourite persons.

After a while, a car came driving towards the school. Kurt's interest had been taken immediately. A car on Sunday could only mean a few things, which was food, school supplies or a new student. And seeing this car looked quite expensive, this time it only meant one thing: a new student.

The car stopped in front of the school. Kurt leaned out of his window a little more to get a better view. Not noticing he was holding his breath, he waited until the new student would get out of the car. Both doors on the left side opened at the same time, the front one revealing an older man dressed in a suit, the second a boy with black, curly hair and a pouting face.

Kurt knew exactly why the boy was sulking. He probably didn't want to be here at all. In the beginning, Kurt didn't want to either, but his dad was always gone and he thought a boarding school would be better for him. He'd hated it at first - he'd only been twelve at the time, after all – but gradually he accepted the fact that he was stuck here until at least his eighteenth birthday.

He watched how the head teacher came out of the school to welcome the man and the boy. They shook hands. The head teacher started talking to the man, but Kurt knew the boy wasn't listening, because he was looking around him, taking in the new place he was going to live. Kurt wondered why the boy had come here. Maybe his parents were really rich. Or maybe they were divorced. Or maybe they couldn't handle him and he was here to be tamed. Kurt hoped it would be something like the latter. Rich boys with perfect attitudes weren't really interesting.

He leaned forward even more, trying to get a clear view of the boy's face. Then the boy looked upwards, straight into Kurt's own face. Kurt ducked away immediately, sitting on the ground and hiding under his window-still, his heart hammering in his chest.

* * *

><p>Kurt didn't actually meet the boy until the next morning, during breakfast. He had been standing in line, waiting until it was his turn to get his bowl of cereal and some fruit. He was lost in his thoughts, thinking about the boy. He had no idea why he'd ducked away yesterday. Maybe because he didn't want the boy know he'd been spying on him. Or maybe because the boy's eyes had pierced his—<p>

"I saw you staring yesterday."

Kurt started, turning around immediately and seeing the boy standing behind him. Now that he could see him more clearly, Kurt noticed how pretty the boy was. Curly hair, brown eyes and those piercing eyes. He looked kind of angry.

For a moment, Kurt didn't know what to say. He shuffled forwards, as the line shortened. The boy followed. "We don't get that many new students," Kurt said then.

"That doesn't mean you had to _spy _on me."

"I wasn't spying," Kurt said. "Just curious."

It was their turn to get food and for a moment, they both didn't say anything. When Kurt's plate was filled, he looked for a free spot to sit. Again, the boy followed him.

"What's your name?" he demanded, as he sat down next to Kurt.

"Kurt Hummel," Kurt said, picking up his chopsticks.

"I'm Blaine Anderson," Blaine replied.

"Okay," Kurt said. He started eating, while looking at Blaine, who's anger seemed to have subsided. He looked rather shy now, silently eating his breakfast and sometimes taking glances at Kurt.

"In which grade are you?" Blaine suddenly said.

"Seventh."

"Oh, so am I!" Blaine looked relieved and his shoulders relaxed a little. Kurt wondered if Blaine was nervous for his first lessons.

He smiled at him and Blaine went back to his food. They ate in silence, until the first bell rang, indicating breakfast was over. As they got up and went to their first class, Kurt decided he liked Blaine enough. "I could give you a tour around the school fields? After class, I mean," he said.

"Sure," Blaine said, but Kurt could see he was happy he had found someone to talk to.

* * *

><p>To be honest, Kurt was a little happy Blaine talked to him. He didn't have that much friends himself. Well, there was Finn and Mike, but they were a little weird. And of course Artie, the quiet boy in the wheelchair. But <em>real<em> friends, like a friend who he could tell everything – he didn't have one. Not that he expected Blaine to become that friend. Just hoping.

Blaine sat next to him in class and talked to him between lessons. It was just small talk, but Kurt was happy to talk back. Blaine seemed to loosen up more and more and at the end of the day, he didn't seem like the shy, angry boy from this morning anymore.

"You'll take me on a tour now, right?" Blaine said, when they packed up their schoolbags.

So Kurt did. He took Blaine to the other classrooms, the dorms and bathrooms, the gymnasium and the playfields. Blaine loved everything, calling out in amazement and grinning at Kurt, who happily grinned back.

As they walked towards the forest, Kurt wondered if he should take Blaine to his most favourite spot at the school grounds. The spot that he kept secret from everyone else, because it was _his_ and only his.

Blaine asked what he was thinking of.

Kurt shook his head. "Nothing," he said with a smile that would reassure Blaine. "Let's go." He started walking towards the trees and the other boy followed him.

"Do you come here often?" Blaine asked curiously.

"Yeah," Kurt said. "I like it here."

Blaine's mood seemed to falter for one second, but then his smile was back on his face and he nodded. "I like it here, too."

He still hadn't said anything about why he had come here and Kurt was still curious about it. Why was he here, exactly? But Kurt knew he shouldn't be asking, because that was rude and he didn't want to offend Blaine already. They'd just met and Kurt really liked Blaine, even though he could be a little weird at times.

"You're wondering why I'm here," Blaine said then, as he stopped walking.

Kurt turned around and looked at Blaine, who was staring at a tree next to him. "Um," he did, not really wanting to deny, because maybe Blaine would tell him something.

"That's okay. I'm kind of wondering myself as well."

"You don't know why you're here?" Kurt then blurted out, not able to contain his curiosity any longer.

Blaine shrugged. "And you? Why are you here?"

"My mom died a long time ago and my dad had trouble raising me, since he's gone on business all the time," Kurt answered, as he sat down on a tree trunk.

"I'm sorry about your mom." Blaine joined him on the trunk.

Kurt only shrugged.

A silence fell between them. Both didn't say anything for what felt a really long time, but Kurt was still curious as to why Blaine was here. But maybe his story wasn't that exciting after all. Most of his classmates were just kids with really rich parents, who were too busy to take care of them. Maybe Blaine was one of them.

"Okay, I'll tell you," Blaine then said, "but you have to promise not to tell anyone."

"Uh, of course," Kurt said, hoping he didn't sound too eager.

"Well…" Blaine started, "my dad remarried last year with this woman I really don't like. There's nothing good about her, apart from the fact that she's rich. And then she suddenly started talking about a boarding school and how good it would be for me to go there. Of course Dad agreed and well, now I'm here."

"Oh," Kurt said, feeling a little disappointed. He'd hoped for a more exciting story, but Blaine was a rich kid, after all.

"What do you mean with 'oh'?" Blaine said, sounding a bit offended. "It sucks. I really hate Dad's new wife."

"I can understand that," Kurt nodded, showing Blaine his sympathy. "But most of us get dumped here by our parents… That man yesterday, was he your dad?"

Blaine nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, they can't bother you here, can they?" Kurt said in an attempt to cheer up Blaine. "And it's not i_that/i _bad here. It sucks in the beginning, but it'll get better, I promise."

"Thanks, Kurt," Blaine smiled at him. "You're very nice to me."

Kurt shrugged. "That's okay."

It seemed like he finally found a new friend.

* * *

><p>From that day on, Kurt and Blaine became best friends. Kurt didn't really know how it happened, but it just did and he was perfectly fine with it. He liked Blaine a lot. He liked his weird impulses, his love for singing and his sincerity. Blaine also seemed to like Kurt a lot, always hanging on his shoulders and laughing in his ear.<p>

Blaine could be very silly, laughing like a little kid and doing stupid things. He was the complete opposite of Kurt, who was more serious. Yet they were always together, almost attached to the hip. They became known as 'Kurt and Blaine'.

In the beginning, some teachers did complain about them being together too much. Saying they also need to play with other boys. So they did. Blaine got his own friends and so did Kurt and that worked fine. But in the end, after a day apart, they always came back together.

In middle school, they shared a dorm room with two other boys. But as they got older, they all moved to a double bedroom and it was only natural Kurt and Blaine started sharing one together. No one questioned it, it just happened like that.

That was also around the time that other things started happening. Kurt hadn't realized yet, but he would soon enough.

Kurt remembers that day when one of the coolest boys, Puck, managed to smuggle a porn magazine inside the dorms. He said he'd gotten it from one of his older friends and of course, everyone wanted to see the magazine. It was the talk of the week. Puck invited the entire class to come by his dorm at night to look at the magazine.

Of course, Kurt and Blaine also went to have a look. Girls already were a favorite subject amongst the boys and naked girls were even more interesting. Puck had laid out the magazine on the floor and everyone had gathered around it, cheering and howling every time Puck turned a page.

Kurt wasn't that interested, though. It was just a bunch of naked girls printed on paper. But Blaine seemed to be really excited about it, sitting right next to Puck and cheering loudest of them all.

"Kurt, come have a look!" Blaine grinned at him, pulling Kurt down by his arm. "Isn't she hot?" He pointed at a naked lady in the magazine.

"I guess," Kurt shrugged indifferently. To be honest, the naked girl with the pouty lips did absolutely nothing for him.

"And that one?" Puck said, turning the page to reveal another girl. "Her boobs are huge."

"I like big boobs," Blaine declared loudly. "Don't you, Kurt?"

"Uh," Kurt did, feeling a little embarrassed. He felt himself go red in the face.

"Oh, I get it," another boy said with a sly grin. "Kurt is into small boobs. Right, Kurt?"

Kurt was actually not into boobs at all, but he nodded quickly, just to stop all those horrible questions. Blaine didn't notice, he just stared at the magazine and Kurt silently wondered if Blaine was really that interested.

* * *

><p>Later that night, they were back at their room. While Kurt was lounging on his bed, reading a book, Blaine was playing the guitar softly. Kurt didn't notice Blaine had stopped playing, until he asked,<p>

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

Kurt hated those kind of questions. Mostly because he never had the right answer. "How can I have kissed a girl?" he laughed nervously. "We go to an all-boys school!"

Blaine shrugged. "You could have."

"What about you?" Kurt asked curiously.

"Once," Blaine said, absent-mindedly strumming the strings of his guitar. "When I was eight."

"That hardly counts." Kurt watched Blaine hands.

"I know," Blaine said, looking up at Kurt. "Kurt – wouldn't it be stupid if we ever got to kiss a girl and we didn't know how to?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I don't know… We could practice or something."

Kurt frowned. "But there are no girls here." And he wasn't so sure if he even _wanted_ to kiss a girl.

"Yeah," Blaine said. "I know."

"But then what do you—" Kurt stopped talking, when he saw Blaine's flushed face. "Oh."

"Yeah," Blaine repeated, his eyes back on his guitar again.

"Now?" Kurt asked.

Blaine shook his head. "No. Later."

Kurt nodded and went back to his book, while Blaine started playing a song Kurt knew by heart. He didn't know why Blaine had asked, but he couldn't deny he hadn't liked it.

* * *

><p>The next day, after classes, Blaine took him to the forest. It puzzled Kurt why Blaine wanted to go to the forest. They could've just done it up in their room with the door locked. But Blaine had persisted on the forest. Kurt had agreed – of course he'd agree.<p>

Because it wasn't like Kurt hadn't thought about it. Kissing Blaine, that is. At first it had just been a stupid thought, one he'd quickly banished from his mind. But then he thought about it again – and again. And now it was all he could think of. It wasn't just kissing, though. He wanted to be with Blaine, all the time. He never had these kind of feelings, for anyone, and he was clearly abnormal. Because what boy had those kind of feelings for his best i_male/i_ friend?

Maybe it had been inevitable. Because after all, they went to an all-boys school. But the other boys talked about girls and about their girlfriends at home. Kurt never thought about girls in that way. It just never occurred to him. But the thought of boys, boys like Blaine, left him hot and bothered.

There was definitely something off about him.

It was a cold day, in the middle of winter. The forest floor was still covered with a white blanket. Kurt liked to walk in fresh snow, when no one else had walked there yet. He liked seeing his footsteps in the snow. He also liked seeing his breath fog up in the air.

Kurt really liked winter, Blaine seemed less fond of it. But he kept walking through the snow, deeper and deeper into the forest. Finally Blaine stopped walking and turned around. "It's cold today," he said, like Kurt hadn't noticed yet.

"Yeah," Kurt said. "It is."

There was an awkward silence between them, before Blaine said, "This is only practice, okay? Nothing more."

"I know that," Kurt said, but his heart was racing in his chest.

Blaine smiled awkwardly at him. "This is kind of weird."

"I know that, too," Kurt couldn't help but grin, but he was quite sure it were his nerves taking over.

Blaine walked towards him, backing him up against one of the many trees. Kurt wanted to say something, but he couldn't, because Blaine's hands were gripping his shoulders. And then Blaine's lips were on his and it was more than he'd ever imagined.

Blaine's lips were soft against his. Kurt leaned into the kiss. He wanted to press himself against Blaine, be closer to him. But Blaine kept him at a distance with his hands on his shoulders. Everything else was perfect, though.

And then Blaine pulled away and looked at Kurt. "That was—"

"Great," Kurt finished his sentence, still out of breath.

"Yeah," Blaine said, but he looked kind of uncomfortable.

Kurt didn't notice, though, too lost in his feelings for Blaine. "W-wanna practice again?" He stuttered.

To his surprise, Blaine nodded. "Yes," he said, before pressing himself against Kurt again.

It felt too surreal, kissing Blaine in a white forest.

Well, until Kurt took a step forward and Blaine suddenly yelped in pain, because Kurt had accidentally stepped onto his foot. Blaine stumbled backwards and took Kurt with him, falling downwards, face first into the snow.

Blaine let out a breathy laugh. "Sorry."

"You're heavy," Kurt said, but he was laughing as well.

"Sorry," Blaine said again and then he kissed him again.

* * *

><p>They didn't talk about it the rest of the day. Or the next day.<p>

Kurt was kind of disappointed about it. Mostly because he really wanted to kiss Blaine again. He now knew those feelings weren't going away anytime soon. On the contrary, he started to fall for Blaine even harder. During the day in class, it was really hard not to stare at Blaine's lips all the time. He really hoped he would be able to kiss him again.

To his surprise (and delight), that evening, Blaine brought it up again. They were both sitting on their own beds. Kurt with a book, Blaine with his Maths homework that Kurt finished up earlier that evening.

Blaine suddenly pushed away his books and said, "Hey Kurt, Um, I know I said it was only practice, but…"

Kurt looked up from his book. "But what?"

The other boy got up and walked over to Kurt. "But I kind of want to kiss you again." He looked both sincere and flustered and really, how could Kurt refuse him?

"Okay," Kurt said softly.

"Okay?" Blaine asked, surprised.

Kurt nodded. "Okay."

Blaine took Kurt's book from his hands, put it away for him and leaned towards him. Then, he kissed him. It was even better than the day before.

* * *

><p>Kurt liked kissing Blaine. Blaine had plump lips that were soft and nice to kiss. He liked it when Blaine pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around him. Kurt also liked wrapping his arms around Blaine, but Blaine holding him felt better. It felt like Blaine would protect him. From what, he didn't know yet.<p>

It did kind of confuse Kurt. Because he didn't really know how Blaine felt about him. Kurt could easily say he was pretty much in love with Blaine, but he couldn't tell him Blaine felt the same about him. It also frustrated him, not knowing. He was too afraid to ask, though. Maybe Blaine would say that it didn't mean anything, that they were just two boys kissing, that he didn't like Kurt.

But really, how couldn't he like Kurt, after what happened that one night?

It had been a particular cold one. February was already ending, but the winter wasn't yet. The radiators weren't working well, but the plumbers wouldn't arrive until the next morning. Kurt was huddled up in his own bed, legs drawn to his chest to feel at least a little warm. He could hear Blaine shift around in his own bed, his teeth clattering.

"Blaine," Kurt whispered into the dark. "Are you alright?"

"Not really," Blaine's answer came right after. "I'm freezing."

Kurt almost wanted to say Blaine could join him in his bed, but maybe that would be stepping out of line. Well, until Blaine said,

"Can I join you? I mean, I'm so cold…"

He didn't even wait for an answer, he just got out of his own bed and into Kurt's. Kurt tried to scoot towards the wall, but Blaine pressed himself against him and hummed. "Much better. You're all nice and warm."

Blaine was also nice and warm. But Kurt didn't dare to move closer to him. He wanted to wrap his arms around him, press his face in Blaine's neck, kiss him. But he didn't. He just stayed there, with Blaine's side pressed against his own, trying to control his breathing and heart beating.

He didn't have to, though. Because he could hear Blaine lick his lips and then he felt Blaine's hand on his face. "Kurt. I'm going to kiss you now, okay?" Blaine said, before doing so.

Kurt had been startled at first, but soon he turned on his own side to accept Blaine's kisses. It wasn't like always though. The kiss was more hurried, more desperate than usual. Blaine urged Kurt's lips open and slipped his tongue inside.

Before Kurt knew it, Blaine was on top of him. He didn't know what was happening. He only knew that it felt amazing. It felt better than just kissing. So much better.

There were heated kisses and lingering touches. There were bumping noses and breathy laughing. It sometimes was a little awkward, but Kurt didn't mind that much. Because his skin felt like it was on fire and it almost burned when Blaine touched him. But it was a good burn and he wanted more. Much more. And Blaine gave it all to him.

Afterwards, Blaine held him and Kurt laid his head on Blaine's naked chest, so he could hear the beating of his heart. To Kurt, that was even better than everything else.

* * *

><p>Kurt couldn't forget about what had happened that one night. Couldn't forget Blaine's hands on his body and Blaine's lips on his neck and Blaine's whispers in his ear. So the next night, it was him who joined Blaine, even though the radiators were already fixed again.<p>

After that second night, something changed. There wasn't a single night they didn't sleep together, whether they had sex or just cuddled up. Before, Blaine never grabbed Kurt's hand during class, he never let his hand linger on Kurt's shoulder, he never kissed Kurt when he thought no one was looking. But now he did all those things and it made Kurt's heart flutter. Because all those little things made him believe Blaine really did have feelings for him.

If the boys in their year noticed there was something going on between them, they didn't let it show. Kurt was kind of grateful for that. Maybe he wasn't that weird after all. Maybe it did happen more often – boys liking each other. At least, that's what Blaine told him.

On a different evening, he wondered out loud if it was okay what they were doing. It couldn't be normal, two boys touching like this.

"It's okay," Blaine said. "It happens more often. We're at an all-boys school after all."

"Are you sure?" Kurt said, propping himself up on one elbow to look at Blaine.

Blaine nodded and stroked the damp hair out of Kurt's face. "Yeah. As long as we keep it a secret, everything is fine."

* * *

><p>But it wasn't fine – not really. Kurt remembers that one day, just before the summer holidays, when they were both called into the principal's office. The principal, Mrs. Hardwick, was a strict woman who always wore her hair in a tight bun. Kurt never liked her that much, she kind of scared him.<p>

"You know why you're here, boys?" Mrs. Hardwick asked them, when Blaine had closed the door.

Kurt shook his head, even though he did know. It had probably to do with them being… well – together. Blaine just kept quiet.

The principal sighed and stared at them. "Boys… I can understand how hard it must be for you… You're teenagers and there are no girls around. But believe me, being together like i_that/i_ won't help you at all. It's just not natural."

That's when Kurt blocked out her voice and stared at the plant on her desk for the rest of her speech. He didn't want to hear any more. This wouldn't change anything about the way he felt for Blaine, nor the fact that they would continue to be together, just like before.

But apparently it wasn't like that for Blaine.

* * *

><p>Kurt spent most of the summer at Blaine's house. His relationship with his own father wasn't that great, especially not since his dad started dating the mother of one of his classmates, Finn. Kurt just wasn't ready for a new mom. In his mind, it was way too early. He did like Carole; she was a very nice person. But he didn't need her as a new mom.<p>

So instead he stayed over at Blaine's house all the time. Kurt thought Blaine's dad and wife were nice, but he could also see why Blaine didn't like being around them. They were very distant. Blaine seemed very tense around his dad – like he was afraid of something. He also refused to kiss Kurt when his dad was home and flinched away when Kurt tried to touch him.

Kurt was relieved when Blaine's parents went away on vacation, so he and Blaine had the house to themselves. The summer was hot and dragging and they spent most of the time in and around the pool or inside the house with the air-conditioning on. They also spent a lot of time in bed, kissing and cuddling and being lazy.

To Kurt, it was one of the best summers of his life. Just spending all his time with Blaine by swimming and playing around, going to the mall on cooler days, taking walks on hot summer nights. But the one thing that made everything even more perfect, was the night just before school started again.

They hadn't planned it. Of course they'd talked about it before, they'd gone pretty far, but never all the way. But when it happened, it was wonderful and Kurt thought he'd never want anyone else again. Blaine was everything to him. That was also the night Kurt realized he truly loved Blaine.

* * *

><p>But boys get older, and so did they. In their last year of high school, it was time to start thinking about their future. College, finals, that kind of stuff. Kurt didn't really want to think about it. Because it meant he'd have to leave this school and he'd come to love it over the years.<p>

Everything would change.

It happened slowly, but Kurt could see Blaine was changing as well. When he went to check out different universities and came back with stories full of girls in short skirts. Kurt had always assumed Blaine wasn't really interested in girls, just like he was. He was only interested in Blaine.

And maybe even more now, because Blaine's body was changing and his shoulders got broader and his stomach harder. Kurt was still the scrawny little guy he used to be and he hoped that someday he'd change too, like Blaine. Kurt sometimes wondered why Blaine still kissed him and still touched him, because he didn't think he was that attractive. But Blaine did still kiss him and he did still touch him.

Kurt was afraid that would be coming to an end soon.

"Kurt," Blaine said, a few months before their graduation. "Let's go for a walk. I really can't study anymore."

Kurt looked up from his history book, his head full of important dates and names and nodded. "Yeah, okay." He closed his book and got to his feet.

He didn't even have to ask where they were going. The forest. Ever since that one time, years ago, when Kurt took Blaine to the forest, they'd been going there. Kurt's favourite spot became Blaine's favourite spot and it seemed that Blaine liked to escape there as much as Kurt did.

It was already May and the days were starting to get really hot, but the roof of trees above them kept out the sun and made the air cooler. They strolled through the woods in silence, both tired from studying all the time; finals were coming up.

Kurt looked at his feet and tried to decide whether he was ready to ask Blaine what he wanted to ask for a very long time. Because even though they somehow had ended up at the same university, Kurt still didn't know if –

"Kurt," Blaine said. He stopped walking so abruptly, Kurt almost walked into him. "I was thinking…"

"What?" Kurt said, looking up at Blaine. It was one of those days when Blaine hadn't put gel in his hair and the light breeze was playing with his gorgeous curls. Kurt kind of wanted to run his fingers through them.

Blaine rubbed his arms, trying to find the right words. "We're going to college next fall."

"I know," Kurt said, frowning.

"With other people. Well, other…girls."

Kurt should've known what was coming, but he wished he knew, because then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

"And um," Blaine began, "I was wondering. Shouldn't we be with other people? Don't you want to know what's it like with a girl?"

Well, that was the thing Kurt had feared since that one afternoon in the principal's office. "Not really," he said. "I don't want to be with other people."

"Well, I do," Blaine said and that's when Kurt's world started to spin.

"It's not like we're going to be together forever," Blaine said.

"It's over, then." Kurt didn't even know what he was saying,

"Yeah."

Later, Kurt couldn't remember much of that day. He only remembered they buried all their childhood memories in the forest, under the tree they once had their very first kiss.

02.

When a small beam of light fell on his face, all Kurt wanted to do was turn around and sleep on. He groaned and pressed his face in a pillow that was not his. Oh fuck. As the memories from the night before came back to him like an avalanche, he opened one eye and saw a brown-haired guy lying next to him. Double fuck. Well, that was probably what happened last night.

He rolled onto his back and stared at the yellow-stained ceiling. He promised himself it wouldn't happen again, these one-night-stands. Seemed like he'd broken yet another promise.

It was better that he'd leave now, before the guy woke up and made things even more complicated. He slipped out of bed, quietly grabbed his clothes from the floor and put them on. After he'd located his phone and wallet, he gave the guy one last look and left the apartment.

It was still dark out. Kurt only had a vague idea where he was. He remembered bits and pieces from the party last night – like going to a gay bar and drinking way more than he should've – but that's all he remembered. He didn't even recall going home with that guy or having sex with him, but the red marks on his hips could tell him exactly what had happened.

Since he really had no idea in which part of New York he was, he decided to grab a cab back to his college dorm. During the ride, he rested his head against the cool window and watched the city flash by. He knew he should stop this confusing lifestyle, but he couldn't.

It's all Kurt had to remember him, after all.

* * *

><p>He hadn't seen Blaine in at least a year. Not since they said goodbye on the last day at boarding school. Even though they went to the same university in New York, Kurt hadn't seen him since. Maybe because they were in different departments. While Kurt decided to major in Fashion, Blaine had chosen for English. But maybe it was better this way.<p>

At first, Kurt was determined to study hard, get good grades, be the best in his class. He even tried to date a girl. All to leave his past at the boarding school behind. Trying to be normal. But it hadn't worked. Of course it hadn't worked. He missed the school, he missed the dorms and he missed Blaine. He had felt sorry for the girl, when he told her he was gay. She said she'd already known.

Kurt realized there were more gay guys out there. It wasn't just him. That's when he started going to gay clubs and going home with random men. He missed the warmth of Blaine's body and tried to find it in sleeping with men he didn't even really want. That didn't work either.

He just couldn't let Blaine go. Not like Blaine had let go of him.

* * *

><p>In his second year of college, he met Sam. Sam was strong and confident, with broad shoulders and a hard stomach. Kurt really liked Sam, enough to go out with him. Even though Sam gave him a steady lifestyle, a reason to stop sleeping around, he also took him to the most popular clubs of New York. They went out a lot and drank a lot. They also had sex a lot, just because they could.<p>

"Move with me, baby," Sam whispered on one of their nights out. It was Friday night and they were standing on the dance floor of one of the city's many clubs – a gay club this time. Kurt moved his body to the heavy beat that was pounding through his entire body. Sam rested his hands on Kurt's hips and moved with him.

Kurt's mind was already blurred by the tequila they had earlier that night, leaving him pleasantly buzzed. The beat of the music and the prospect of sex made everything even better. On nights like this he didn't have to think about anything that ever happened to him. All he needed to do is dance and forget.

He could feel Sam's lips on his neck, sucking on a spot behind his ear. He closed his eyes and moved closer, pressing himself against the taller one. Sam made him feel safe, he liked being with Sam.

"Want to go home?" Sam said after a while. Kurt felt himself nodding and before he knew it Sam took his hand and pulled him through the crowd on the dance floor. In the cab Sam started kissing him and Kurt was already hard by the time they arrived at Sam's apartment.

Kurt usually let everything happen to him. He let Sam undress him, let him take him to the bedroom, let him fuck into the mattress. He usually let everything happened and closed his eyes. Sometimes he imagined he was back at the boarding school and it was Blaine kissing him, Blaine moving above him, Blaine holding him.

It was unnatural and he knew it. Just like everything else was unnatural in his life. But there was something about Blaine he just couldn't forget and he didn't really care about that. He still wanted all of Blaine.

That was probably also the reason that he and Sam broke up, not even six months later. Sam had finally noticed there was someone else on Kurt's mind. And frankly, Kurt didn't really care about that either.

* * *

><p>By the end of Kurt's third year, he'd only seen Blaine a couple of times. Only very briefly, but enough to fill his entire mind with Blaine and all the memories that came with it. He still found it hard to forget about Blaine, even though he never saw him anymore. That's why it came a real surprise when he walked into Blaine at a dark and lonely bar.<p>

Kurt spotted him the very minute he got through the door. Blaine was sitting at the bar, nursing a beer in his hands. His hair was longer and he looked tired. He looked up when Kurt walked to the bar to order a drink.

"Kurt," Blaine said, almost confused. "What are you doing here?"

"Getting a drink," Kurt said casually. He slid onto the bar stool next to Blaine and showed him his glass. "You?"

"Same," Blaine said. He took a sip from his beer. "How are you doing?"

"Fine." Kurt sipped from his gin and tonic. "I'm fine." He wasn't really that fine, he mostly felt lonely. Since Sam, he hadn't dated anyone. He'd slept with a couple of guys, but not like he had done before. "You?"

"Same," Blaine repeated, but he definitely didn't look fine. He looked tired, with heavy bags under his eyes.

"It's been a while," Kurt said, still looking at Blaine. He missed him so much.

Blaine nodded. "Yes." He took another drag from his bottle. "Almost three years."

Three years since they last kissed, since they last held hands, since they last needed each other. Well, Kurt still needed Blaine.

He drained his glass, asked for a refill and also ordered another beer for Blaine. They talked about college, about New York, about home and finally, about the boarding school. The atmosphere was awkward and Kurt felt kind of uncomfortable. Mostly because Blaine obviously did.

"I kind of miss the forest though," Kurt said after his fourth gin and tonic, leaning towards Blaine. Their shoulders were touching and it felt familiar; Blaine was still as warm as ever.

"I don't," Blaine said, his eyes fixed on a spot behind the bar. "I don't miss any of it."

"You can't deny we didn't have a good time," Kurt said. He didn't really know what he was saying anymore.

"Kurt," Blaine said, still staring. The way he said his name already made Kurt cringe. "Our whole past… There were no girls around and you were obviously in love with me. I mean – what else did you expect me to do?"

Kurt stared at him. "You don't mean that," he said hoarsely. "You don't mean any of that."

Blaine shrugged. He got out his wallet to pay for the drinks. "I gotta go. See you later, Kurt." He slid from his stool, grabbed his coat and walked out of the bar.

Kurt stared after him. He didn't want to believe any of what Blaine just said. But he couldn't help wondering if it really was true. If Blaine never loved him back.

* * *

><p>After that, Kurt tried to close chapter Blaine.<p>

03.

The trees around him swirled and swirled and blurred into one big mass of green. The sun was hot against his skin and the smell of earth filled his nose. Blaine sat next to him, wearing that smile that Kurt loved so much. He was talking about something, but Kurt couldn't understand what he was saying; his voice sounded distorted and far away.

He buried his fingers in the cool earth. The hot sun made him sleepy and he wanted to close his eyes, but he didn't want to stop watching Blaine, who was still talking and laughing. His eyes involuntarily closed, his fingers came across a piece of metal, Blaine's voice slowly faded…

When Kurt opened his eyes, all he saw was the white of his ceiling and all his hands felt were the sheets of his bed. Feeling disappointed, he rubbed his tired eyes and turned around again, trying to get back to the dream. But as always, the dream was gone and so was Blaine.

He glanced at the clock on the bedside table: 6.30. Maybe he should get out of bed, anyway. He slipped out of bed and walked to his kitchen to get a cup of coffee. Bright sunlight shone through the see-through curtains. Kurt squinted against the light. Maybe he should get darker curtains…

While Kurt waited for his coffee, he leaned against the kitchen counter and tried to remember the dream. It wasn't the first time he dreamt of Blaine. In fact, lately he'd been dreaming a lot about him, about the forest, the school. He couldn't tell why exactly, just that he did.

It had been several years since he tried to forget about Blaine, which almost worked, but not entirely. He'd finished college, started working at a small fashion magazine and got his own apartment, here in New York. Life was okay, but sometimes he felt as if something – or someone – was missing.

He poured himself a cup of coffee and sipped from it. Today he'd be going to his parents in Lima. It was his dad's and Carole's five year anniversary. They married when he was twenty. Time had gone by so fast already.

After he'd showered, dressed and packed his bag, he took a cab to the New York airport. His plane would leave at noon. As they crossed the bridge, he wished he could've brought someone as well, but he hadn't dated anyone in years. Finn would bring Rachel, his long-term girlfriend. Kurt still hadn't met someone he would want to spend his life with. Well, he did, but…

When he arrived at the airport, he still had an hour or so to kill, so he decided to get the newest Vogue and coffee. There was a long queue at Starbucks, but he lined up anyway. Flipping through his Vogue, he waited until it was his turn to order.

"A medium drip, please," the man in front of him said. Kurt's eyes widened – he knew that voice. He looked up and saw a head full of black curls.

He tried to decide whether he should say hello or not. He wanted to, but he also didn't. But he didn't have to decide, because when Blaine stepped aside to make room for Kurt, he already noticed him.

"Kurt?" he asked.

Kurt looked up from his Vogue and tried to be surprised. "Blaine? What are you doing here?"

Blaine smiled at him. "Just brought a friend to the airport. You?"

"I'm leaving for Lima in an hour," Kurt said. He ordered his grande nonfat mocha and moved to the other counter. "To see my family."

"Still have time to sit down?" Blaine asked. He took his cup from the shop employee and pointed at one of the tables near the window.

Kurt nodded. "Sure."

They waited until Kurt's coffee arrived, then sat down at the small, round table. It almost felt like earlier days, when they went to get coffee at the Lima Bean, the local coffee shop in Lima.

While Blaine poured sugar into his coffee, Kurt took the chance to look more closely at his face. Blaine didn't look as tired now. The bags under his eyes were gone and he looked healthy. His curls were short again, but he didn't use gel anymore. Blaine looked really, really good.

"I'm glad to see you're doing well, Kurt," Blaine said with soft eyes, looking at Kurt. "You look good."

"Thanks," Kurt said, sipping from his coffee. "You too."

Somehow, there was still tension between them. Maybe it was because of the last conversation they had or maybe because Kurt still felt his stomach flutter, every time he looked at Blaine. Blaine had also noticed the tension, because he took a deep breath and put down his coffee.

"K-Kurt," he stuttered, "I am so sorry about last time. You were right, I didn't mean it. Didn't mean any of it."

Kurt bit his lip. He finally got his apology, but he didn't really know what to say to it.

Blaine looked at him with those huge, brown eyes full of regret and Kurt felt his anger fade. Blaine seemed to really mean it.

"Still think you're straight?" he blurt out before he could stop himself.

He expected Blaine to get angry, but instead he only smiled. Like the old Blaine would. "No," he said softly. "I don't."

"Oh," Kurt said. "Good."

For a long moment, they sat there in silence, only sipping their coffee and avoiding each other's eyes. Then finally Blaine said, "Sometimes I really miss the school. Is that weird?"

Kurt looked up at him and shrugged. "I don't know. But I really miss it too. I even dream about it." I even dream about you.

"Me too," Blaine said. His eyes turned sad for a moment and in that moment, Kurt suddenly blurted out,

"Want to come? To Lima, I mean."

Blaine frowned in surprise. "Right now?"

"Yeah. I mean – if you want."

"I don't know," Blaine said slowly. "I haven't been home in years. The relationship with my father… It's not that great."

That was something Kurt had known for ages.

"You could stay with us," he offered, even though he didn't even know why. "With me, Dad and Carole. Finn and his girlfriend are also coming."

"They got married, huh?" Blaine said, smiling to himself. He thought for a moment, then looked up at Kurt, straight into his eyes. "Good thing I'm on summer break now. You think I can still get a plane ticket?"

* * *

><p>That was how Kurt and Blaine ended up at a plane to Lima, Ohio. Kurt also hadn't been home for nearly a year, so he was excited to see his family again. He wondered what they would say if he showed up with Blaine at his side…<p>

During the plane ride, they caught up with each other's lives. Blaine had been teaching at a high school for the past few years. He had tried to date a few girls, but in the end he always realized he didn't love them, wasn't attracted to them. Kurt felt sorry for him. It was like Blaine had tried to live a lie.

They also talked about the school. Not about them, but about the teachers, their classmates, the classes, the school fields. Neither of them mentioned the forest. Kurt was relieved to hear he wasn't the only one who missed the school that much. But if he really thought about it, it wasn't that weird. They grew up there, it was the only place they knew. They built their entire lives around that school. Maybe also around each other.

After a while they both went silent. Blaine settled into his chair and closed his eyes, while Kurt stared out of the window, looking at the scenery beneath them. Then he got an idea. He didn't know if it was a good idea or if it was absolutely crazy, but he wondered if it was worth a try.

When the plane landed, Kurt had decided.

* * *

><p>"You want to get a cab?" Blaine asked, when they walked out of the airport and into the humid air. It was July and really hot.<p>

Kurt shook his head and said they'd better rent a car. Twenty minutes later they were on their way, Kurt behind the wheel, Blaine in the passenger seat.

"I haven't been here for so long," Blaine muttered to himself, as he looked out of the window. "It must've been at least four years."

"That's a long time," Kurt said, his eyes on the road. He didn't know exactly how to get there, but he had a good memory, so he was pretty sure he'd find it.

Blaine nodded. "Hey, where are we going? This isn't Lima," he said, suddenly alert. Seemed like Blaine had a good memory as well.

"You'll see," Kurt only said.

Apparently that was good enough for Blaine, because he sank back into his chair and watched the road. After maybe thirty minutes, Kurt pulled into the long driveway and started driving towards the huge building in the distance.

"This is—" Blaine started, but stopped talking when Kurt pulled over in front of the school.

"Yeah," Kurt said, looking up at the school building. "Figured we could take a look."

Blaine quickly unbuckled himself and opened the door to get out of the car. "Whoa," he then said.

Kurt followed him. He knew exactly what Blaine meant. Because it was so weird, yet so familiar to be here. It almost felt nostalgic. "Come on," he murmured, grabbing Blaine's arm and walking towards to the door. He wondered if it was locked, but to his surprise it wasn't.

"You think we can go inside?" Blaine said, but Kurt had already pushed the door open and stepped inside. It was nice and cool inside the school and it smelled exactly the same as all those years ago.

"Let's have a look," Kurt said. Still holding Blaine's arm, he walked towards the stairs and started to climb them.

In the next hour they walked through the entire school, from the cafeteria, to the gym and the dorms. It was a little awkward when they arrived at their dorm room, but when Kurt opened the door, it was just as if they were sixteen again.

Once they'd seen everything, they went back to the car. Blaine already wanted to get inside again, but Kurt, who was looking at the trees across the field, wasn't done yet. "Um, I want to go somewhere else. Do you mind?"

Blaine shook his head. "No, that's fine."

Kurt started walking towards the forest. He didn't know what it would to his feelings, but he knew that he had to see it. If he didn't, he'd probably regret it. He already regretted too much in his life.

"Kurt…" Blaine began, following him, but fell silent when he saw where they were going. Kurt kept walking through the forest, until they got to the spot where everything started – and ended.

Kurt stopped dead-track in his steps, waiting for Blaine to catch up with him. He stared at the tree where Blaine first kissed him. Being here hurt more than he thought. But maybe he could make things right.

Blaine looked really uncomfortable. "Kurt," he said again, also looking at the tree. But Kurt shook his head and sat down on his knees.

"Come on, let's dig it up," he said, as he buried his fingers in the cool earth. He started digging, not even caring if his fingernails got dirty. Blaine nodded and sat down next to him, helping him to dig.

Minutes later, they stumbled onto something metal. They both pulled it out of the earth and revealed a yellow, metal box, all worn from being in the ground for seven years.

"Wow, I almost forgot it was even here," Blaine said, staring at the box.

Kurt brushed the earth of the lid, then put it down on the ground and opened it. It was like opening his – their – childhood. Because when they went to the forest for the last time, they did bury their childhood memories. All of them.

"Look, my school tie," Blaine said, pulling out the blue-red tie.

"Mrs. Hardwick got really angry when she noticed you lost it," Kurt said with a small smile. "Oh, look at this." He held an old CD, full of musical songs.

"And the pictures we took during the summer," Blaine muttered.

Kurt snorted when he pulled out a silver package. "Really, Blaine? A condom?"

Blaine shrugged guiltily, but his eyes sparkled. "It was still in my wallet."

They continued to empty the yellow box. One by one they pulled out items and in the end, they were surrounded by their childhood. They looked at the random objects around them. Things that all meant something to them. Only to them.

"It's so weird, looking at all this stuff," Blaine said, staring at a picture. "I'd never thought I'd been seeing this again."

"Yeah," Kurt breathed.

Suddenly feeling very tired, he laid down on the ground next to the items and looked at the trees above him. It looked very much like the images in his dreams – images that maybe once weren't dreams, but real. He could feel Blaine lying down next to him.

"I'm sorry," Blaine whispered.

That's all he said. Kurt didn't have to ask what he was apologizing for. He already knew.

He watched the trees sway and it kind of made him dizzy, but it was a good dizzy. The smell of the earth and the trees and Blaine surrounded him in a lovely haze. He could feel Blaine's hand next to his. He didn't take hold of it and Blaine didn't take hold of his. But he was fine with that.

He wasn't convinced everything would be okay. But at least they were here now.


End file.
